Sad...

This post might not stay up long but I needed to get it out....
So on earlier in the week I was pregnant and today I'm not...I know that I was only pregnant for a short while but that doesn't make the loss any less difficult to deal with.
I lost a pregnancy in June 2007, but was able to get pregnant with Natalie in August 2007. Now it's June 2009 and I'm feeling a bit like I'm stuck in a bad rerun.
When I had my last loss I was devastated, after many months of trying I was hopeful, but that hope was gone as soon as it began. To add insult to injury the miscarriage lasted a ridiculously long time. I had to go in for blood work every other day for 3 weeks then bi-weekly for another 2 weeks....every time I went in for blood work the phlebotomist would look all cheerful while reading my orders...."Oh an HCG test, congratulations" to which I'd have to reply while choking back tears that congratulations were not in order. Thank God for the sweet phlebotomist who remembered me after a few visits...and who was kind enough to make idle chatter with me while drawing my blood. So after all that, and a healthy pregnancy I thought I'd be spared anymore heartache. I felt as though I'd earned my stripes.
But now I sit here feeling the same as I did 2 years ago....the only difference is that now on top of the pain I feel guilty. Guilty because I have a beautiful daughter whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for the world....who I wished for and hoped for month after month. And all the while I'd tell myself "just one healthy baby...that's all I want". So now, I feel guilty for being so distraught over my selfishness of wanting 2 healthy babies. And what is worse is that I have dear friends who are in the position I was 2 years ago of wishing for just one healthy baby....
But even with all the blessings that I have and knowing how very lucky I am, I can't help but be sad. I had a due date, I had hope, I had excitement....and now I feel empty.