Sad...

This post might not stay up long but I needed to get it out....
So on earlier in the week I was pregnant and today I'm not...I know that I was only pregnant for a short while but that doesn't make the loss any less difficult to deal with.
I lost a pregnancy in June 2007, but was able to get pregnant with Natalie in August 2007. Now it's June 2009 and I'm feeling a bit like I'm stuck in a bad rerun.
When I had my last loss I was devastated, after many months of trying I was hopeful, but that hope was gone as soon as it began. To add insult to injury the miscarriage lasted a ridiculously long time. I had to go in for blood work every other day for 3 weeks then bi-weekly for another 2 weeks....every time I went in for blood work the phlebotomist would look all cheerful while reading my orders...."Oh an HCG test, congratulations" to which I'd have to reply while choking back tears that congratulations were not in order. Thank God for the sweet phlebotomist who remembered me after a few visits...and who was kind enough to make idle chatter with me while drawing my blood. So after all that, and a healthy pregnancy I thought I'd be spared anymore heartache. I felt as though I'd earned my stripes.
But now I sit here feeling the same as I did 2 years ago....the only difference is that now on top of the pain I feel guilty. Guilty because I have a beautiful daughter whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for the world....who I wished for and hoped for month after month. And all the while I'd tell myself "just one healthy baby...that's all I want". So now, I feel guilty for being so distraught over my selfishness of wanting 2 healthy babies. And what is worse is that I have dear friends who are in the position I was 2 years ago of wishing for just one healthy baby....
But even with all the blessings that I have and knowing how very lucky I am, I can't help but be sad. I had a due date, I had hope, I had excitement....and now I feel empty.

Thursday Thirteen...

Thirteen things that are annoying me right now....

1. Being volunteered for things without anyone asking me.
2. Being attacked for things that I had no control over....namely #1.
3. Having to keep secrets.
4. Having to wear more hats than I have time to deal with.
5. When Tivo doesn't record my shows.
6. Figuring out what to cook for dinner.
7. Incompetence.
8. Passing the buck.
9. Unbalanced budgets.
10. Taking #9 out on the state workers.
11. When plans get changed
12. Confusing test results.
13. This headache that is trying to ruin my afternoon.

Wordless Wednesday...

I want a do over.....

This week has sucked and I want a do over!

Monday my kid decided 5 am was a fabulous wake up time, then I missed a Drs appt because I shut off my alarm in my infinite 5 am wisdom. Get to work an hour late...bah!
Then Wednesday I had to go to the rescheduled Drs appointment. Talk about awkward. I was seeing a dermatologist about a curious mole on my chest, well they decided that I should have a "mole mapping" uh okay whatever. So I go into the room and the nurse tells me to get undressed to my underwear and put on the gown...uh the mole in just on my chest lady. So I do as I'm told...mind you the gowns are made for children (or so it seems) and I am not petite. So I'm sitting there in all my naked glory with about 18 inches of some paper fabric crap wrapped around me that I am desperately trying to make cover my business....needless to say I was feeling a bit exposed. Then just as I'm getting a bit more comfortable in my new blue crepe duds the Dr comes in.....with these huge freaking magnifying goggles on and a head lamp....oh this is going to be fun.
She proceeds to look me over while making small talk and then proclaims "I'm going to get my camera to take pictures of some of these" Uh....WTF! So then she comes back and takes a shit load of pictures of all these different moles all the while telling me how she'll be discrete and how only the other Drs will be able to see these pictures. At this point I don't even care I just want to put my freaking clothes back on. So after the inspection, she stands back and starts chatting wit me, I am still standing there disrobed and trying to use my arms to strategically cover myself....ugh.
Then on Thursday my kid decides that since 5 am was so fun on Monday she'll try 3 am. She wakes up at 3 and decides she just wants to stay awake until about 5:30....WTF!!!
So after being awake for 2.5 hours I had to go into work late on Thursday again. Thank God my boss is such a nice guy! The whole drive in to work I'm telling myself that I will go in early on Friday to make up for all the issues this week...I'm going to set my alarm for earlier and get in there early!
So Friday morning rolls around, and my kid starts crying, I get up to get her and think "man it's really light out this morning, and my alarm hasn't gone off yet so it's still early" I change her diaper and bring her into my room, check the clock and CRAP! it's already 7:30....I'm supposed to be at work at 7:45. So after a mad dash to get ready I made it to work by 8:05.
So, after all that I am demanding a re-do!

Wordless Wednesday...

...

I couldn't decide if I should title this post "A little nagging goes a long way" or "I posted too soon" or even "who's the douche now"
But at any rate, my attempting to redeem himself husband just called to let me know that he has scheduled our final inspection with the city....of course they're scheduling a month out, and considering I've been asking him to make this call for 3 weeks.....well I guess I should be thankful for the small things right?
So maybe in 12 weeks (since the city takes 6-8 weeks to cut a check) we'll be $500 richer....

Seriously WTF?!?!

As you know my dear husband is currently unemployed, I've vented here about him before in case you missed it here is the link . Well anyhow, I quickly learned that I can't really expect him to do much by way of household chores while he's home because he has this serious addiction to stupid programs that the Tivo randomly records. So my new approach was to just give him a small task each day...something easy that he could take care of during commercials or whatever....well clearly that was a failure!
Today I asked (for the millionth time) to call the city about our cash for grass completion. A few months ago we took out our front lawn as part of the city's cash for grass program and we have quite a bit of money coming to us when we have our final inspection. Simple, call the city (I left the card out with all the information for him) and schedule an inspection. It makes more sense that he would schedule the inspection since he is the one who will be there for it....I know this will cut into his daily Tivo love fest but whatever!
So I just get a call from him asking if he needs to pick Natalie up from daycare (yup you read that right....he sits on the couch and takes the kid to daycare....ugh) I can tell he doesn't want to pick her up so I tell him nope, I'll get her and take her with me to my meeting tonight so he can do whatever it is he has planned.
Then I made the fatal error of asking what he did today (earlier in the day I had talked to him while he was driving so I knew he went out), he says he helped his brother with something. Hmm, why so secretive aye? So I ask what he did, he goes on to tell me that his brother needed a jump....weird considering his brother doesn't have a car let alone a drivers license, but that's a different story. Being the masochist that I am I have to keep asking, so I prod to find out who's car he jumped....turns out it was his brothers friends roommates girlfriend's car.
So I'm trying to wrap my head around driving all the way across town today to jump some perfect strangers car as a favor to your douche bag brother....okaaaay.
Then I really push my luck and ask if he called the city.....silence....
I was fully expecting this response but I was still pissed. So I say not so calmly "so you can drive your happy ass all over town jumping strangers cars because your brother asks you to but you can't call the fucking city to get our money....maybe I should have your brother ask you to call the city...then it might happen"
His response "uh yeah maybe"

Seriously WTF! And he wonders why I'm not Suzie Fucking Sunshine all the time!

Remember those magazine "articles"....

That were called "What you say, what he hears" and they'd have all these sayings that seemed innocuous but when translated into "man-ese" meant something completely different. Don't pretend you weren't an avid reader of Seventeen....or for that matter Cosmo since often they had the same content.....
Anyhow, I have this acquaintance who is a bit of a bitch...to everyone. No one, save an older man who may be able to help her career advancement, is safe from her condescending bitchery.
Well I've decided to compile a little list of "what she says, what everyone else hears" in her honor....

She says

• "Maam....Maam.....Maam....let me finish", what everyone else hears "Hey you dumb bitch shut the F up and listen to me"
• "You're veeeery welcome", what everyone else hears "You are privileged to have my knowledge imparted on you...be thankful"
• "Ooooh *insert name* you're so funny" what everyone else hears "maybe if we hit the sack I'll get a promotion"
• "I don't know why it's so hard for these people to understand what I'm telling them", what everyone else hears " I am the smartest person in the room, you are all so lucky to be here with me"

The list goes on and on.....these phrases in addition to her gross misuse of the English language and ridiculous propensity to mispronounce half the words that come out of her mouth are just one of the reasons I wake up everyday....how could I pass up an opportunity to snicker under my breath at her. But hey I'm a bitch like that, I'm pretty sure we've already established that fact.

*disclaimer....I am fully aware that I have made up various words in this post, know that it was intentional and not my "gross misuse of the English language".

I should have gone back to bed....

As if I wasn't already dreading going back to work on Monday....it turns out the day just had it in for me.
At about 4:45 I'm woken up by a crying kid, this is very out of the norm for my excellent sleeper, I figure she'll go back to sleep and lay there listening to her fuss for a few minutes before I get up and check on her. Well it turns out that we left her window open last night so she woke up because she was cold...so then I feel like a major ass. I get her up change her and get her all snuggled into bed with me. Problem solved.
Well at 7:25 I wake up and realize that I have slept through my alarm and that the cup of milk Dan made for Natalie has leaked all over my bed....awesome. So I slip my arm out from underneath my sleeping beauty and sneak to the phone to call work to let them know that I'll be late.
Back to my room to find a very happy very awake one year old rummaging through my nightstand....great.
Finally I get ready for work, and take Natalie to daycare, hit the Starbucks and things are looking up. I make it into work only an hour late...not to shabby right?!?
Well as I'm walking into work it dawns on me....I think I have a Dr.s appointment today...hmm maybe not today, maybe it's tomorrow.....
Uh, nope, it was today at 8:45 in Santa Rosa.....UGH! I had to drive past my Dr.s office to get to work today, right at about 8:30.....Damn!
After rescheduling the appt, and realizing I now have to take another morning off work...I finally got logged into my computer....but all motivation was shot by that time.
So the day is a bust to say the least.....right now I'm counting down the minutes until I can get home and crack a beer.

I'm a mean mom....

I always knew I'd be the kind of mom who laughed at her kids...I laugh at everything. I'm always the one who laughs at the inappropriate parts of movies (ya know when the guy gets hit by the train...things like that), it's embarrassing for my friends and family but whatever...it's just my sick sense of humor.
Well today I was dying laughing at my kid.
Our dogs (2 chihuahuas) have citronella bark collars...they are annoying yappy dogs and it's necessary. So today Natalie was sitting in front of Pita playing, and started to cry, well apparently the collars are pretty sensitive to any loud noise not only barking. The collar sprayed Natalie in the face, which of course made her cry even more. I, being the mean mom I am, was laughing hysterically...this of course pissed Natalie off even more.
For those of you who are worried, I did call Kaiser and they checked with poison control and we now know that it is non-toxic....I'm pretty sure she didn't actually ingest any of it anyhow.
So FYI if you are thinking of getting citronella collars for your dogs....you may want to keep your distance while crying or yelling...

A fine line....

Lately I've had a difficult time walking that fine line between being supportive of Dan while he is unemployed and giving those gentle nudges (read nagging) to get him to be more proactive in his job search.
I know that it must be difficult for him to be unemployed and that he would really like to find a job quickly, but from the outside it appears that he is just living this life of leisure. Sleeping in until Natalie wakes up (on the days that I don't just take her to day care early), having breakfast, watching TV, taking Natalie to day care, and of course job searching on the Internet...with some shopping and "research" added in there, lunch, TV, more job searching (?), TV, etc etc.
I had grand plans of him being a "house husband" for lack of better term, I thought I'd come home to a clean house, and maybe some laundry done...nothing too extravagant just simple little things.....but nope, the house is actually more of a disaster since he's been home, I get to see everything he's eaten all day (because the plates are either on the table still or in the sink), Natalie's stuff is everywhere, no laundry done...nothing.
So, the question is posed, how do I still be supportive of his feelings while unemployed, while being irritated by his lack of household help.....it's a difficult task.

Wordless Wednesday

Phone skills people....learn them...use them....

I have to talk on the phone frequently for my job, it isn't the best part of my job but generally it isn't the worst part.
BUT today it has sucked. Let me share with you, in case you don't know, some things that are ridiculously annoying to the person on the other end of that thingy you have in your hand.....oh and not only are these things annoying, but they make you sound like a total idiot.
1. If you ask a question DO NOT start talking again as soon as the person starts answering the question....because, and I know this is a shocker, you can't hear me if you are talking.
2. When taking down a phone number, it is not completely necessary to repeat each number immediately after I say it. I've taken down numbers, I KNOW this is true. And in case you missed it, as I said in #1 you CAN NOT hear me if you are talking. It is beyond annoying to have to repeat my phone number 3 times because you are an idiot.
3. Don't cry. I can't understand you when you are crying.....sorry, but if I can't understand you I can't really answer your question....or even know if you were asking a question.
4. This sort of piggy backs on #3, I'm not your shrink.....I'm sorry that things aren't all puppies and rainbows for you right now but I have work to do so I can't really sit here on the phone with you for an hour while I listen to all of the drama going on in your life right now.
5. Do NOT eat while on the phone with me. You called to ask a simple question, our conversation will last 5 minutes maximum....can you not curb your hunger for just 5 minutes. I'm all for multi-tasking but good lord to hear someone chew on the other end of the line is beyond disgusting.
6. If you have a chihuahua, a parrot, a monkey or an small child who will inevitable start squawking the moment I answer the phone...try, really try to step out of the room that said squawker is in....somehow that high pitched noise is amplified when it is funneled through your phone...just FYI.
7. An appropriate time to call me is NOT when you are in the bathroom....I can tell. Bathrooms have a very distinctive acoustic. Just DON'T do it.
8. Try really hard to just do nothing else while on the phone with me....washing pots and pans is noisy no? so why would you do it while on the phone. This goes for Vacuuming, crushing cans, popping balloons, playing the drums etc etc.
9. Roll up your window. I don't care if you want to call me while you are driving, whatever I'm in a safe office building not on the highway with you while you blab on the phone...fine whatever. But PLEASE roll up your window, I can't hear you through that wind tunnel okay!
10. Last but not least....just because you can't hear me due to your craptastic cell phone coverage in BFE, doesn't mean that I can't hear you. There is no need to yell. And while I'm at it, there is no need to yell at me ever, do you really think yelling at me will make me magically expedite your service needs...uh no....it just pisses me off and you question goes to the end of the pile.

So there ya have it folks....simple really. Just don't be a total douche bag while on the phone....it's easy.

Tales of a misguided waist line....

So today I'm wearing this new shirt, I like it it's cute etc etc....but apparently the empire waist on this top is putting of an "I'm pregnant" vibe. Now no one has come right out and asked or said anything about my maternity status...but I have been getting inquisitive looks all day.....well I guess I won't be wearing this shirt again.....damn those flatter but deceiving empire waist lines....