Remember those magazine "articles"....

That were called "What you say, what he hears" and they'd have all these sayings that seemed innocuous but when translated into "man-ese" meant something completely different. Don't pretend you weren't an avid reader of Seventeen....or for that matter Cosmo since often they had the same content.....
Anyhow, I have this acquaintance who is a bit of a bitch...to everyone. No one, save an older man who may be able to help her career advancement, is safe from her condescending bitchery.
Well I've decided to compile a little list of "what she says, what everyone else hears" in her honor....

She says

• "Maam....Maam.....Maam....let me finish", what everyone else hears "Hey you dumb bitch shut the F up and listen to me"
• "You're veeeery welcome", what everyone else hears "You are privileged to have my knowledge imparted on you...be thankful"
• "Ooooh *insert name* you're so funny" what everyone else hears "maybe if we hit the sack I'll get a promotion"
• "I don't know why it's so hard for these people to understand what I'm telling them", what everyone else hears " I am the smartest person in the room, you are all so lucky to be here with me"

The list goes on and on.....these phrases in addition to her gross misuse of the English language and ridiculous propensity to mispronounce half the words that come out of her mouth are just one of the reasons I wake up everyday....how could I pass up an opportunity to snicker under my breath at her. But hey I'm a bitch like that, I'm pretty sure we've already established that fact.

*disclaimer....I am fully aware that I have made up various words in this post, know that it was intentional and not my "gross misuse of the English language".