Sad...

This post might not stay up long but I needed to get it out....
So on earlier in the week I was pregnant and today I'm not...I know that I was only pregnant for a short while but that doesn't make the loss any less difficult to deal with.
I lost a pregnancy in June 2007, but was able to get pregnant with Natalie in August 2007. Now it's June 2009 and I'm feeling a bit like I'm stuck in a bad rerun.
When I had my last loss I was devastated, after many months of trying I was hopeful, but that hope was gone as soon as it began. To add insult to injury the miscarriage lasted a ridiculously long time. I had to go in for blood work every other day for 3 weeks then bi-weekly for another 2 weeks....every time I went in for blood work the phlebotomist would look all cheerful while reading my orders...."Oh an HCG test, congratulations" to which I'd have to reply while choking back tears that congratulations were not in order. Thank God for the sweet phlebotomist who remembered me after a few visits...and who was kind enough to make idle chatter with me while drawing my blood. So after all that, and a healthy pregnancy I thought I'd be spared anymore heartache. I felt as though I'd earned my stripes.
But now I sit here feeling the same as I did 2 years ago....the only difference is that now on top of the pain I feel guilty. Guilty because I have a beautiful daughter whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for the world....who I wished for and hoped for month after month. And all the while I'd tell myself "just one healthy baby...that's all I want". So now, I feel guilty for being so distraught over my selfishness of wanting 2 healthy babies. And what is worse is that I have dear friends who are in the position I was 2 years ago of wishing for just one healthy baby....
But even with all the blessings that I have and knowing how very lucky I am, I can't help but be sad. I had a due date, I had hope, I had excitement....and now I feel empty.

Thursday Thirteen...

Thirteen things that are annoying me right now....

1. Being volunteered for things without anyone asking me.
2. Being attacked for things that I had no control over....namely #1.
3. Having to keep secrets.
4. Having to wear more hats than I have time to deal with.
5. When Tivo doesn't record my shows.
6. Figuring out what to cook for dinner.
7. Incompetence.
8. Passing the buck.
9. Unbalanced budgets.
10. Taking #9 out on the state workers.
11. When plans get changed
12. Confusing test results.
13. This headache that is trying to ruin my afternoon.

Wordless Wednesday...

I want a do over.....

This week has sucked and I want a do over!

Monday my kid decided 5 am was a fabulous wake up time, then I missed a Drs appt because I shut off my alarm in my infinite 5 am wisdom. Get to work an hour late...bah!
Then Wednesday I had to go to the rescheduled Drs appointment. Talk about awkward. I was seeing a dermatologist about a curious mole on my chest, well they decided that I should have a "mole mapping" uh okay whatever. So I go into the room and the nurse tells me to get undressed to my underwear and put on the gown...uh the mole in just on my chest lady. So I do as I'm told...mind you the gowns are made for children (or so it seems) and I am not petite. So I'm sitting there in all my naked glory with about 18 inches of some paper fabric crap wrapped around me that I am desperately trying to make cover my business....needless to say I was feeling a bit exposed. Then just as I'm getting a bit more comfortable in my new blue crepe duds the Dr comes in.....with these huge freaking magnifying goggles on and a head lamp....oh this is going to be fun.
She proceeds to look me over while making small talk and then proclaims "I'm going to get my camera to take pictures of some of these" Uh....WTF! So then she comes back and takes a shit load of pictures of all these different moles all the while telling me how she'll be discrete and how only the other Drs will be able to see these pictures. At this point I don't even care I just want to put my freaking clothes back on. So after the inspection, she stands back and starts chatting wit me, I am still standing there disrobed and trying to use my arms to strategically cover myself....ugh.
Then on Thursday my kid decides that since 5 am was so fun on Monday she'll try 3 am. She wakes up at 3 and decides she just wants to stay awake until about 5:30....WTF!!!
So after being awake for 2.5 hours I had to go into work late on Thursday again. Thank God my boss is such a nice guy! The whole drive in to work I'm telling myself that I will go in early on Friday to make up for all the issues this week...I'm going to set my alarm for earlier and get in there early!
So Friday morning rolls around, and my kid starts crying, I get up to get her and think "man it's really light out this morning, and my alarm hasn't gone off yet so it's still early" I change her diaper and bring her into my room, check the clock and CRAP! it's already 7:30....I'm supposed to be at work at 7:45. So after a mad dash to get ready I made it to work by 8:05.
So, after all that I am demanding a re-do!

Wordless Wednesday...

...

I couldn't decide if I should title this post "A little nagging goes a long way" or "I posted too soon" or even "who's the douche now"
But at any rate, my attempting to redeem himself husband just called to let me know that he has scheduled our final inspection with the city....of course they're scheduling a month out, and considering I've been asking him to make this call for 3 weeks.....well I guess I should be thankful for the small things right?
So maybe in 12 weeks (since the city takes 6-8 weeks to cut a check) we'll be $500 richer....

Seriously WTF?!?!

As you know my dear husband is currently unemployed, I've vented here about him before in case you missed it here is the link . Well anyhow, I quickly learned that I can't really expect him to do much by way of household chores while he's home because he has this serious addiction to stupid programs that the Tivo randomly records. So my new approach was to just give him a small task each day...something easy that he could take care of during commercials or whatever....well clearly that was a failure!
Today I asked (for the millionth time) to call the city about our cash for grass completion. A few months ago we took out our front lawn as part of the city's cash for grass program and we have quite a bit of money coming to us when we have our final inspection. Simple, call the city (I left the card out with all the information for him) and schedule an inspection. It makes more sense that he would schedule the inspection since he is the one who will be there for it....I know this will cut into his daily Tivo love fest but whatever!
So I just get a call from him asking if he needs to pick Natalie up from daycare (yup you read that right....he sits on the couch and takes the kid to daycare....ugh) I can tell he doesn't want to pick her up so I tell him nope, I'll get her and take her with me to my meeting tonight so he can do whatever it is he has planned.
Then I made the fatal error of asking what he did today (earlier in the day I had talked to him while he was driving so I knew he went out), he says he helped his brother with something. Hmm, why so secretive aye? So I ask what he did, he goes on to tell me that his brother needed a jump....weird considering his brother doesn't have a car let alone a drivers license, but that's a different story. Being the masochist that I am I have to keep asking, so I prod to find out who's car he jumped....turns out it was his brothers friends roommates girlfriend's car.
So I'm trying to wrap my head around driving all the way across town today to jump some perfect strangers car as a favor to your douche bag brother....okaaaay.
Then I really push my luck and ask if he called the city.....silence....
I was fully expecting this response but I was still pissed. So I say not so calmly "so you can drive your happy ass all over town jumping strangers cars because your brother asks you to but you can't call the fucking city to get our money....maybe I should have your brother ask you to call the city...then it might happen"
His response "uh yeah maybe"

Seriously WTF! And he wonders why I'm not Suzie Fucking Sunshine all the time!